Note: This was meant to be passworded.. but sigh.. just not working and it’s already out in the open.. so i’ll let it be.
I’m having those moments again, where i fear much about what I am doing now. Ever since i had yet my conversation with my father regarding performing arts yet again on how he thinks i should wake up and smell the coffee. Sigh even as I write it, it just causes me pangs of pain because i know there is someone out there who should support me is not giving me full support. I would like to think so that my mom does support me on this, and I am very grateful for it.
I’m rather just worried, because I can’t seem to see or rather hope to see where it can take me. Obviously I hope for a lot more but when will it come. Am I too eager? Am I just not being patient? At the moment now I’m heading towards theater, when in truth i would love to try screen. But maybe I’m not ready for it… or maybe I’m just not right for it.. maybe not now… maybe not ever…
Put it this way, the screen is all for those who have looks. They barely go to the one who is either average or just mediocre. I’m not saying i’m either, but i feel that way sometimes. I feel that I’m not good enough at all.. I’m not pretty enough, I worry too much on my weight, how big my arms are going to look, how wide my waist will look once they place i see my self on a plasma stretch tv.
I see my friends like Andrea Fonseka.. who I have no idea even remembers me from our days at Taylor’s, who is making it big now in the scene. I’m very happy for her, because she made it through the Miss Malaysia pageant. With a stream of bad results to finally being endorsed by Marie France and now she’s looking fab.
I’m being a pig and I’m not helping myself as much when it comes to my looks i suppose. I’m being all lazy, when i know i should be hitting the gym even more so now. Shit…. i just feel like crap. I don’t believe in those get slim quick ready methods because it just goes against what i believe in being healthy. Then again my lifestyle now is not exactly something that I will call superbly healthy either.
But that’s on my physical being.. why do i rant about it so much. It’s because i know that, the times i dont get a role is because i don’t have the look for it. Shit again.. i know that girls who have the looks, gain more attention and favoured way more, because others are trying to well goad them into being nice and then you can say hey i know a pretty thing.. I mean shit laa.. …
