Aronil

This is not something I’m feeling now and I’m not getting emo. I just felt like writing something on the things that break a heart. My heart in particular and the situations when they have been broken.

1. The day I found out that I had to put my dog to sleep. I had to swipe the credit card which was to pay for him being put down. I had just gotten back from Penang that day and the first thing I had to do was head down to the vet, because everyone else was busy that day. My aunt had picked me up from the LRT and i settled the bill. Was pretty bad.. i didn’t think that it would’ve shook me up that much, since I had already known that he had to go to sleep. I didn’t hit me till i got to the vet, that he was gone. It’s a terrible feeling, to instantly know at that moment you lost something… even more so that it was a life. May not have been a person, but it was still a life..
2. The first time, I heard someone swear at me F*** Y**, and it is someone very close to me. Till this day, the memory of it is still in my head and I can still envision how the words were uttered at me. It can bring a tear to my eye, for it really did hurt me.
3. The occasions when i had some really bad arguments with my other half. They were really very bad and it was a bad pow wow. Words that that weren’t meant were exchanged, as a defense mechanism. I thought there was a sure break from there, from the way we both stormed away from one another. Calls were refused..this was all in a day by the way. Fights like these really are a pain…
4. The times, that I lose my temper and I end up going into a real tantrum with the people I’m close to. It is at those times, that I really hate myself for losing it. Of late I have been losing it and I don’t know why.. maybe it’s the lack of sleep, but i’ve been getting terribly irritated. When I snap, that’s when my heart breaks because I know I can look like a lil monster. When i start to be that monster, I know i’m letting not just myself down but the people whom i care about as well and it stabs me in the heart.

   Related with number 3..4 is also one of those things, which I know that is just not appealing to God’s eyes and that I’m behaving in a way which is unbecoming. The thought that I know this breaks God’s heart breaks mine directly.

5. ……

   I just realised… I don’t have a fifth thing that breaks my heart… and I want to keep it that way..

Ok I’m done with my “emo” post for today.

Ismail Rehearsals have been on for about three weeks now and not too long ago, I got an email from my Colin Kirton asking if I would be keen to come on board as another acting person for Footstool Players. Of course I screamed yes! lol. I’m pretty excited to be working with them

I’ve just finished Ismail rehearsal and my feet are now sore, but all worth while hehe. I need to update on the Ismail blog too.. oops.

I got lost heading up to Subang Jaya Gospel Centre…again sigh. Colin was nice enough to meet me at the Shell station nearby. Unfortunately and rather embarrassingly he saw me make an illegal U-turn, which was not at all what I had intended. It was dark and I couldn’t see the no entry sign…HONEST!!!!

Usually FsP will have about only 4 people to act a number of the short plays but this year they have 7 people on board. The people involved with this years Foootstool Players are Colin Kirton, Jonathan Tan, Sean Lau, Adrene Wong, Ee Soon Wei, Ann Choo and myself. I didn’t manage to take picture for the first rehearsal, but nevermind.. I have pics anyway lol. From the Footstool Players website.

(L-R) Colin Kirton, John, Adrene, Sean, Soon Wei and Ann. Not forgetting Rudy the stage manager, who is also the person who set up SJGC. But no pic

Oh and if the Soon Wei looks familiar (which was probably why i was cracking my head the whole time), go on to this site by Brylcreem Soh Hem Sem.

What do you think? Lol.

Footstool Players rehearsals will be up in Subang which is sooo da far, but ah yes the sacrifices one makes in order for ones passion. This is the first time I’m having double rehearsals for two big shows( they are both big IMO, so agree with me - and they are equally important to give it one’s best.

Footstoolplayers even more so because other than the times when I hung with the Christian Fellowship in UM. This will be my other chance to serve God in this field. Performances visually shown to people are powerful mediums to voice out messages, or values. Of course you can’t implant values directly to people, but if you can get them thinking about it. That’s a great start.

So Thank The Lord, I’m finally able to come on board and work with other Christians who also share the same interest in the performing arts as I. God is seriously GOOD!

I don’t know why i do it and I don’t know why I thought of it.

There are those occasions in life where you do the stupidest things or rather you finally just snap at the things that seem to tick you off. The kind where you lash out at a number of things or even the small things the really really petty petty small things just irritate the heck out of you. And you end up being just a bully. An irrational bully. Which probably you did not mean to be, but it came out that way.

Why do we behave that way?
Why did we do the things we just did?
Why did I lash out?
What was the purpose of doing it?

To just prove a point? To make a statement?

To WHAT?

Enjoy another person’s misery? Sometimes I really find myself to be a . Sickening ain’t it, when we realise that there is this little monster side of us, that we wish to suppress but surfaces at the worse of times.

Best part is when one gets into an argument, they just keep going at it. It doesn’t stop and it can go round and round in circles. Because both parties believe so strongly in what they wish to believe, hear and see -or remember.

I sometimes wonder do i go on with a conversational fight because I hope to win - meaning I want the other side to listen to me and change. Or do i go on with it because I have a hidden to want to push the other away. Indirectly. Is that what I want? We both say that we are treating each other as crap so… who wins? who changes for the better? who gives?

Sigh, at this point maybe I could be in the wrong. On the other hand the way I see it, the other party is in the wrong. Yet we have no proof and can’t show why we did what we did cause it was all either virtual or nerves being hit.

I know that even if I were to say sorry, the other may not give. Probably just pushes even away even more.

Funny thing it is this push effect..

Sigh.. sniff

You know what I hate about scars.

Is that they are so easy to get and then so hard to remove or clear up.

Let’s talk about the physical type of scars first. You can get them through a number of ways. Pimples, cuts, scrapes and the one I hate the most other than pimpls, mosquito bites!!! Those suck the worse because first you get a terrible bump due to your body rejecting the saliva from the mosquitoes. Then during the bump’s appearance on your skin, you find that it is terribly itchy and you then scratch. The scratching causes you to tear your skin, causing it to bleed. Which will then cause the hole on where it is you got bitten, into a stupidly beautiful crater. Furthermore the skin around the bite/scar will get darker and darker..crap pigmentation over load.

Moving on now to emotional scars. These hurt bad on the first cut, but I suppose the good thing about it, is that they are concealed. That’s bad too because then a person is hurting inside meaning some unresolved issue. Emotional scars, probably for some can heal quick and for others maybe a bit longer. The healing process depends on the individual, if they choose to wallow in that scar or not. Maybe it would be better for those scars to be open for others to see…who knows because someone saw that scar, they can help in the healing process.

Why am I talking about scars? It was a thought and also because I know have a bunch of them from mosquito bites. sigh…just when they were healing too, I get new mosquito bites. Back to applying lots of vitamin E cream.

I am trying to give my hand at performing arts. It is no secret and it is no joke. Why I want to, is because I have a desire to want to express all that I am and can be in this line of art and work. I take pride to know that is nothing but tough, filled with conviction and a driving force that you have to keep up all the time.That said… my heart breaks sometimes.

Not everyone understands why people do the arts. Not everyone will even agree to it over here. If anything they will question why do you do it? It doesn’t bring you money, it doesn’t give you a career, it doesn’t do anything for your future. Why do people see it in that light? Granted it takes mountains of years, experience and possibly a touch of good fortune in order to make it big. But why let that be a hindrance? Why can’t people grow into something that aspire for?

I have a lesson to be learnt here… I shall not ask anyone who is not keen on the art scene anymore. I feel once again alone on this journey, even though this week has been so fascinating for me to know that there are others out there with the same interests, and the same passion for doing the crazy thing called acting.

I say alone, because some people who I thought were keen either let me down or did it because of other intentions (be they good or bad ones). Alone on the fact that you have to drive this vehicle by yourself and it’s a long ride. It’s so hard when the ride you have is a lonely one, with no one to keep you awake but yourself and the mellow sounds of the radio. I’m tired…and i’ve learnt here, that there’s a reason why a number of people don’t bother with others out there in the art scene. Simply because you can never tell which of them would give a 120% on something which is apparently not as “rewarding”.

We have points of differences here. And it’s tough.