Aronil

This is what gets me annoyed sometimes.

This image was taken from CartoonStock, pls visit them.

You how you say a woman can multi task a lot easier than a man. Yes it is true - for some. But sometimes I really hate multi tasking. Especially when it involves people asking me to do things which is not really my job or purpose anyway and yet I help them anyway because i’m doing it as a favour. And then when I do that favour, they start rushing me.

The thing with a lot of us, is that we are impatient, and because of that we always end up asking people to hurry up. Finish something up faster. Come on move move move, what are you doing just standing there doing nothing. And then even worse is when they ask you to hurry up cause they want something out fast, and you can’t do anything about it.. because hey the net is down or there is something wrong with the computer. Like it kena (got hit by) virus or maybe the comp hung.

I mean arrrghhhh…

Sometimes I would almost think we don’t have even enough time for some ‘personal business’. Hence we just bring it all out with us.

Then worst of all, is because you multi task too much, i get very frustrated and then i can’t really focus. When you can’t focus you end up making mistakes or your brain will go on a freeze and you just can’t seem to think straight.

Just….. arggghhhhhhh…. enough!!

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To multi task or not to multi task. That is the question!

For the past couple of weeks, I’ve been a bit tired. Or rather very tired.

I don’t think i’m taking wonderful care of myself as much as I’d hope. My eyes have been looking puffy and I’m feeling bloated, because of bad eating time. Not to mention sudden parties where I will gorge myself with all the goodies laid out. Ack ack ack… plus the “French Lady” is giving me my monthly visit. Food

Me being tired, on one hand I haven’t been sleeping well. I’ll end up sleeping around at like 5 in the morning. Don’t ask me why. I would be trying to do some sort of blogging if not surfing - which in the I’ll be asking what the heck was i surfing about?

I think i really should be sleeping earlier and heading back to the gym to get my healthy life back. Ugh.. I feel like a slug right now.. bleeach..

Do we really have enough time in our lives? Ever since I got into a relationship and I quit my ’stable’ job. I have had loads of questions popping into my head. For example if i really did go ahead to try and pursue this.. will I make it? Will I be able to sustain myself? This is just me I’m talking about what bout my partner? What would he think if he was the more stable bread maker… and I wasn’t. But only am able to fend myself just so I can survive.

If I freelance will it help me at all? If got a real job.. would I be able to sustain my passion for the arts, entertaining people while I suffer the life of a normal desk job (I’m not being insulting here) ?

I can’t have everything I know and right now I’m struggling and it’s tough. And I hate it on one hand, cause the reality is…. I don’t have enough cash. I don’t have the cash to want to get my own place, I don’t have the cash to try out for education to help me in this. I also don’t have the cash to suddenly go to another country and try out.

I’m bummed out.

If I was alone or single maybe it won’t be so bad. But at the same time I can’t help thinking of my ‘family future’. You know for a woman, the years are so short. There is so much we want to do and at times the opportunities don’t come. Or when they do it’s not fast or early enough.

Worse still, I would like to think that I can have kids at younger age. Considering that I know I’m on the bigger side of the scale. Which means I already have issues trying to lose weight. I’ve seen even the skinniest of people pile on the pounds when they get pregnant. Oh my gosh!! And it doesn’t help when you know you have a person who is staying with you who will tell say to you “I hope you won’t become like that”. That in reference to somebody who is really really big and obese and having a weight problem…

I’m having those moments where i could be over thinking.

I don’t know why i do it and I don’t know why I thought of it.

There are those occasions in life where you do the stupidest things or rather you finally just snap at the things that seem to tick you off. The kind where you lash out at a number of things or even the small things the really really petty petty small things just irritate the heck out of you. And you end up being just a bully. An irrational bully. Which probably you did not mean to be, but it came out that way.

Why do we behave that way?
Why did we do the things we just did?
Why did I lash out?
What was the purpose of doing it?

To just prove a point? To make a statement?

To WHAT?

Enjoy another person’s misery? Sometimes I really find myself to be a . Sickening ain’t it, when we realise that there is this little monster side of us, that we wish to suppress but surfaces at the worse of times.

Best part is when one gets into an argument, they just keep going at it. It doesn’t stop and it can go round and round in circles. Because both parties believe so strongly in what they wish to believe, hear and see -or remember.

I sometimes wonder do i go on with a conversational fight because I hope to win - meaning I want the other side to listen to me and change. Or do i go on with it because I have a hidden to want to push the other away. Indirectly. Is that what I want? We both say that we are treating each other as crap so… who wins? who changes for the better? who gives?

Sigh, at this point maybe I could be in the wrong. On the other hand the way I see it, the other party is in the wrong. Yet we have no proof and can’t show why we did what we did cause it was all either virtual or nerves being hit.

I know that even if I were to say sorry, the other may not give. Probably just pushes even away even more.

Funny thing it is this push effect..

Sigh.. sniff

It is exactly 1 hour to the Ismail callback audition.

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And I have no idea why but I’m feeling terribly anxious, jittery and nervous. Since this morning I’ve been having this feeling. I have it because I know that I’m going to be performing and showing what I’ve got to my teacher and his panel of audition judges. Problem is I don’t know what exactly to expect at the second callback audition which shall determine whether I’m in or out for the show. And I really hope to be in it! Like the other audition for “The Boy Friend” I don’t care what role it is, I just hope to get a role. Any role!!

It feels as though, my stomach has been wringing and wringing itself all over for the whole day. On top of that, there is the feel of the butterfly effect happening too. It’s like flutter flutter banter flutter. Ooohhh my!! A number of us are going for the callback. Min Li, Isma, Nick, Dayan, Shirin and Hana..we all managed a callback, which I’m so proud that we did!! I hope we all do our complete best for it.

However, I’m already praying for some sanity and acceptance, that whatever the outcome, I’m going to accept the rejection. But for now I’m super nervous.

Wish me all the best guys. Leaving now.